Guilt, Tears & Hope

This is a subject that doesn't get talked about enough in our very large and growing community.  The guilt we carry around like a fire breathing dragon ready to explode at any minute.  This household is not immune to this guilt thing and it shows by one glance in my kiddos playroom.  I am sure you can relate to this.  The guilt you have thinking your child might never have a friend so yes I will buy a new friggin train every time you walk out the door.  The dragon breathing fire on your neck when your out shopping for food and don't really have the money to do so, but feel compelled to buy that new train to add to his already 200+ Thomas the Train collection.  Feeling a if somehow that train will put a smile on his face when you wish he had friends that could instead.  I have found myself in a corner shedding a tear with the knowledge that after three years in school he has never been to a classmates house to play nor have they been here.  No birthday invite has been slipped in his backpack.  My family is a very large, loving and excepting family, but most his cousins are too young, too old or just live too far away to visit.  This leaves my little man without any friendship interaction or play with other children.  You might say, "Why don't you take him out and introduce him to others?"  Of course I do and I watch as the kids his age that now have an awareness that my kiddo isn't like them, seem to pull away or look at him strange and not want to interact.  I can explain to the parents but the children don't always understand my explanations which leave me heartbroken.  At this point my guilt mixed with tears and sadness is solely on me.  He tends to run around and not have clue as to the fact that others are staring and shunning him.  This is good I guess until that day when he gets it.  That day he realizes they won't play with him.  The guilt sets in again and I am on my way to walmart to find that new shiny train to compensate for the lack of interaction with kids his age.   I remember when he was younger thinking all the therapy and hard work put into his learning will change things around.  I would daydream of him having friends and joining t-ball like his older brother did at that age.  I would wake up from that little daydream and see him staring at his lined up trains the corner of his eye.  Then I get on the floor and name the trains with him because hearing him speak makes my insides warm with the fire of the dragon in a good way.  I can honestly say I know all the names of these trains now and what they do!  Then it hits me like a brick.  This might be our lives forever.  He very well may never have friends and I might be playing trains with him till I am old and grey.  Now this makes me smile.  To feel young and playing with toys when I am an old lady has to bring a smile!  Let the guilt go.  Take a deep breathe and release that dragon.  It is not your fault.  Go buy another toy without guilt and tears and be happy that you will probably be the one playing with it too.  It's hard to not have that nagging feeling.  There is hope for your child and your family.  Keep playing with your kiddo and feel happy with the knowledge that your his best friend.